Our roving reporter, Syl E. Goose, was roaming the streets yesterday, asking dogs their opinion on Halo’s Herbal Shampoo.

Syl E. Goose: We’re here today with Esteban, a Scottish Terrier from Vancouver, British Columbia. Esteban, I see your owner has a bottle of Halo Shampoo in her shopping bag. How do you like Halo’s natural products?

Esteban: You are all crazy, you are. You’re always primping and brushing and washing us. We grow our whiskers long enough to store a wee bit of a snack, and you go and clip them off. We work hard all day, digging holes and building up a protective layer of dirt, just to have you swoop us into a tub of water.

That’s why I put all the blame for me kidnapping on my owner. That’s right, my kidnapping. It was a horrifying experience that could have been avoided if the woman had any common sense. If she hadn’t been running the water for the tub, I wouldn’t have had to make my escape. I thought I’d just head down the alley and hit some garbage bags that had been smelling awfully ripe. Thought that maybe I’d be lucky and scrounge up a half-empty beer bottle or two, just to quench my thirst. Figured that I’d head home after a couple of hours, when the old hen had come to her senses.

Just as I had my head inside the first bag, I hear a car pull up and see a pretty young missus step out. She was calling me over; I figure she just want to spend a little time with a real Scotsman — most women do. Then she starts shaking a half eaten peanut butter sandwich at me. I ask you, who can resist a half eaten peanut butter sandwich?

Next thing I know, I’m licking peanut butter off my face and we’re in the car driving away. She’s on her pink bedazzled cell phone, blathering away.

“I just found the cutest little dog! I’m bringing him home now; we have to keep him, he’s just too precious.”

Keep me? This miscreant was obviously part of some diabolical Scottish Terrier kidnapping ring! But she had no idea who she was dealing with. My great, great, great, great grandfather Angus Magee was trotting across the highlands beside William Wallace, fighting injustice. That’s why I was not panicking; I knew I just had to wait for my moment.

In the meantime, I decided to turn on the charm; I cuddled up to her and let her scratch my ear, let her think that she had the upper hand. We drove for a short while when she pulled into a driveway. I knew my moment was coming.

The minute she put me over her shoulder to take me inside her hideout, I gathered all my strength and let my battle cry ring out: Freedom!!!! Freeedommmmm!!! And I sprang with all my might, running back in the direction that we came.

I had made it five or six blocks, and was just heading across a park when out sprang the Sheriff, the man with the net. He tries to arrest me but I know my rights. Since when can’t a dog take a walk on a bright sunny day? I’m no yellowbelly, and this certainly this wasn’t going to be my first fight, so I’ll tell ya, I put up a fight, I did. It took 12 of them to take me down; they had to bring in reinforcements. You can be assured that my lawyer will be hearing about this one. They obviously have no idea who they’re dealing with here.

By the time me Maw came and bailed me out, I was in a foul mood; my temper was boiling. She wanted to kiss and make up right away, but I wouldn’t have it. If it weren’t for her bathing and brushing, none of this would have happened. I stayed mad at her for two full days; I refused to sit beside her on the couch, and in no way was I ‘giving kisses.’ She obviously knew that it was all her fault though, always cooing and giving me treats (and rightfully so), so when she bought me a new squeaky pork chop, I forgave her.

But this is a lesson for all of you clean fanatics out there — if you don’t try to bath us, we won’t have to try to escape. A dog needs to be a little dirty and smelly.

Syl E. Goose: Alrighty then, this is Syl E. Goose for Halo Pet Products, signing off, and promising to find a less cranky individual for our next roaming reporter segment. For those who do prefer a clean, nicely scented dog, despite Esteban’s warning, you can check out Halo’s full line of natural grooming products.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 8:48 am and is filed under Pet Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.